Fluffy Crackshots
by Avenging Neko
Summary: A new one shot collection dedicated to fluffyness and crack. Made special for VanquishLithium. *heartsymbol* Cavity inducing amounts of fluff, and brain melting amounts of crackfic. [JuJu: That sounds like a really bad porno staring a mustachioed balding man.]
1. Cuddlerape(1)

_**Fluffshots**_

**_Ketti:_**Omigaw' another story. Really? REALLY? Yes. Because Lithi was sad, I wanted to cheer her up. Yes, I'm a terrible person for multi tasking my writing so much. OH WELL. It's something to read. :D So be happy. :P  
Most of these will likely be drabble length, but, hey, you might get lucky!

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_**01: Cuddlerape**_

Alucard, the great and powerful No Life King, the demon of the night, the bringer of nightmares, and immortal monster, woke slowly from his day time nap. There was a weight on his chest, and unless his ears deceived him, his coffin seemed to be… purring. Cracking one scarlet eye open he peeked down at the all too familiar bundle of blonde tabby nestled into his cravat. "I think I feel violated." He mocked the sleeping kitten, who flicked an ear at him and curled the tip of her tail over her eyes dismissively.

"Indeed?" He mused aloud, eyebrows raising with amusement as he brought one gloved hand up to brace the ball of fluff as he sat up and pushed the lid from his coffin. Opening one of his high breast pockets he tucked the dozing Seras into it and dropped himself down into his throne chair to pour himself a glass of bloodwine.

Not twenty minutes later, Walter arrived with a cursory knock and bowing of his head as he pushed the heavy door open, a bucket of ice held in one hand, a sheaf of papers in the other. "Good evening, Alucard, Sir Integra has informed me you are to patrol the city and keep out of her hair for the night." Placing the stack on the table next to the empty glass, he tucked the bucket of ice underneath, taking half a step back to give the tamed vampire a perfunctory glance, his nose began to twitch and he sneezed. "Oh my, I take it Miss Victoria is that lump in your pocket, then?" He asked without really needing the answer as he sneezed three more times in quick succession. Groping for his handkerchief, he raised it to his nose and gave a little moan of discontent, "I do wish she would warn me beforehand… If you'll excuse me, Alucard?" He exited, stage left, quite quickly, and the red clad menace laughed as he caressed the lump in his pocket through the layers of fabric between them.

Tiny claws pricked his chest as Seras stretched and resettled herself, now flopped on her back to stare up at him from the depths of his coat, her sharp eyes watching him expectantly. "I'm beginning to feel used." He informed her loftily as he dipped his finger into his glass and lifted the now stained fabric to his lips to grin down at the presumptuous little feline tauntingly, long tongue snaking out of his mouth to wrap around the length of his index finger, sucking the red from the white material with a lewd ease.

Seras mewed and flicked her tail with irritation as she opened her mouth wide and waited.

"Oh all right, you little beast." He grumbled good naturedly as he repeated the gesture, only to lower his finger tip into the gaping pocket, where the rough tongue of his little kitten proceeded to lap appreciably at the offering with a purr. Even through the material of his glove he could feel each stroke and gentle nibble of her teeth as she sucked the red stain into herself. He shivered mildly and chuckled as she mewed plaintively a second time, demanding more.

"Cheep cheep, little bird, begging your parents to feed you."

She meowed louder this time, indignantly informing him that she was a _cat_, thank you very much, Sir.

"Cat, bat, it's all the same when it comes to your feeding demands, fledgling." He mocked, half threatening to pour the still half full glass into his pocket, but relented and offered her the bloody digit once more.

"I spoil you, you know."

Her response was a purr.


	2. Walkies(2)

_**Fluffshots**_

_**Ketti:**_I don't know how many of these will be connected. I'll add markers of (1) and such when it comes time to add in a different scene from the current adorable kitteness. If I do. Ask Lithi. XD _Also, she made the story image thing. Hee._

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_**02: Walkies**_

Alucard, having finished feeding both himself and his rather adorable fledgling, picked up the first of the papers to glance over his unofficial mission guidelines. He was to patrol the streets of London, take Seras with him, **not start trouble**, and dispose of any unholy threat to the church and crown **quietly**. "Trying to take all the fun out of it, my Master?" He asked the seemingly empty air before laughing and dissolving into a puddle of shadow, oozing out of the Hellsing mansion and rematerializing at the edge of a park with a manic grin on his pale face. Seras, no longer in his pocket, but nestled into his right palm, yawned and stretched, arching her back and puffing out her fur with a shiver. His free hand ran along her striped fur affectionately, smoothing down the ruffled mess before wrapping gently around her neck, and, with a pulse of his powers, pulling back to reveal a black collar with a skull shaped name tag dangling in front of her white fluffy chest. A snap of his fingers provided a leash that he clipped to the collar before setting the kitten down and laughing madly as she chased her tail in circles at his feet.

"Time for some walkies, Seras." He cooed at his childe, tugging the leash to draw her attention to himself, he began to walk.

People stared.

He let them.

They strolled through the streets at a casual pace, and when it came to crossing the streets, Seras would leap onto his foot and sink her claws into the leather of his boot to be carried across to the next sidewalk while he laughed mockingly at her. It was still the early beginnings of night and they passed a father holding his daughter's hand as they made their way to the nearest tube station. The little girl practically melted on the spot and made a grab for the kitten to cuddle her and pour praises on the ball of golden fur. Alucard allowed it for a minute before glancing meaningfully at the man who coughed and took the hint, prying his stubborn child away from the 'nice man's cat', and presumably promising to buy her a kitten of her own at a later date. Eschewing the underground for the noise and cramped quarters – after all, he was supposed to be on his best behavior, which meant no snacking – he continued his little stroll through the moon and lamp lit streets.

It was as they were passing through another park that a series of snarls and barks broke out to their right and a man yelled indignantly as the massive german shepherd charged them, spittle flying from its muzzle as it snarled. Alucard smirked, looked down at his kitten, then back at the dog. He began to laugh, and laugh, and **laugh**, as he let go of her leash and commanded between gasps of air, "Go fetch."

The man yelled obscenities at Alucard, along the lines of 'are you crazy?' in much less culturally accepted phrasing, for letting go of the leash and laughing about the situation rather than actually _doing_ something, like saving his damned cat from the run away dog!

Pedestrians turned to watch and a woman screamed as she saw the dog lunge, but the little blonde tabby yawned and looked bored. Seconds before the furious canine would have mauled her with his powerful jaws she leaped upwards and landed on its muzzle. Her mismatched gaze of blue and red glowed as the blue iris filled with a crimson light and she stared the dog down. He whimpered pitifully, pissed himself, and jerked his head to dislodge her as he turned and fled back to his swearing owner. The gathered crowd gasped in astonishment as the laughing man wiped tears from his eyes (that looked almost red in the light, but they dismissed it, of course) and walked over to his preening cat. He patted her head affectionately as he scooped up the end of the leash and turned, ignoring the calls for him to wait, and vanished seemingly into thin air.

The strange red clad man with the kitten on a leash reappeared a few blocks over next to a booming nightclub. It was a simple thing to manipulate the bouncer, and he strolled inside with all the grace and poise of a king. Those who noticed stared strangely at him as he made his way to the bar, the petite little thing at his side keeping nimbly out of the way of the surrounding foot traffic. Taking a seat at one of the high counter chairs, he glanced down curiously at the little squeak from his pet, and laughed as he hauled her up onto the countertop next to his elbow. The bar tender opened his mouth to say something, but the challenging look on the man's face changed his mind. "What will you have?" He asked, gruffly, instead.

"Mmm…" Scanning the shelves lazily, the tinted lenses reflecting the pulsing light of the dance floor, he grinned ferally, "A scotch, and a saucer of milk for my cat."

"C-…coming right up, sir." The pasty faced man stuttered and retreated to the safety of the other side of the bar from the creepy man in red, dressed like some escapee from the renaissance fairs. Some poor hapless waitress delivered the drinks, and cooed helplessly over how adorable the creepy man's cat was, petting her indulgently.

Alucard took one sniff of the brunette and his nose crinkled; not a virgin, too soaked in the different musks of the men she'd slept with in the past month alone to appeal to him, so he let her be.

"I hope my Master is enjoying her night off." He murmured to himself, and laughed, downing his drink in one prolonged swallow.


	3. Pet Me!(3)

_**Fluffshots**_

_**Ketti:**_I almost didn't want to say anything, because this chapter was 666 words long. XD Epic.  
Again, I don't know how many of these will stay connected, I'm **planning** on this being a oneshot collection more than a short silly story. XD We'll see. If I just keep doing the Kitten!Seras I'll change the summary a bit. :P

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_**03: Pet Me!**_

Seras finished her milk happily, and licked the droplets from her whiskers with a purr. It wasn't blood, but to a cat, milk was the nectar of the gods. Yawning, she stretched and flicked her ears as she peered up at her Master inquisitively. He was looking out at the dancing bodies with a carefully bland look on his face, but she knew what he was searching for and her fur puffed in agitation.

She meowed and batted at his empty glass. He didn't look down at her, so she scowled as best her kitten shape would allow and she pounced, sinking her sharp little teeth into his glove and growling. _Pet me!_

He didn't even flinch, and her ickle fangs didn't quite pierce his skin, and still he was _ignoring her_!

Puffing up to the size of a grapefruit, the little cat clawed her way up his sleeved arm to perch on his shoulder and bite his ear. _Pet me!_

He knocked her off her perch with a flick of his wrist and she yowled in protest. Master was mean!

_Damnit, __**pet me**__!_

Hissing at his boot, she turned and began stalking her way down the counter towards the next set of legs a few seats away. Her leash pulled taut and dragged her back before she kicked and squirmed and wriggled free of the leather loop. Tossing a haughty look over her shoulder at the inattentive bastard, she pawed at the bared ankle of the female and mewed piteously. The girl shrieked and jumped from her seat before she looked and saw the kitten. Something about the kitten was just so enchanting that her scowl softened to an adoring smile and she bent down to pick the little thing up and set her on the counter where she proceeded to pet Seras into a purring stupor.

Lavishing in the attention, the blonde little tabby lolled on her back, front paws curled loosely around the blonde's wrist as the woman tickled her tummy. _Mmm…. Little to the left._

As if sensing her silent command, the human obeyed and Seras' purr rivaled a motor boat as she curled in on herself to nuzzle her face into the inside of the female's wrist, marking her as her little petting bitch. _Mine._

"Excuse me," her Master purred as he loomed over them, holding the leash with the empty collar, "that's my cat, I'd like her back now."

The brunette turned glazed hazel eyes to the intimidating man and couldn't help but cradle the little creature closer to herself protectively. His eyes were hidden behind the tinted glasses, but the set of his features and the garish red of his outfit screamed at her to not surrender the precious kitten to this man. He could be lying!

His upper lip lifted in a silent snarl at her disobedience and he tipped his head down to glare at her over the rims of his glasses. She felt… strange…

Seras huffed irritably as the petting halted and looked up to see her Master there. Grumbling to herself, she considered running for it, but when he offered his hand in a rather commanding gesture she conceded and hopped up onto the white clad palm, her collar was reattached with a snap of his fingers and – as she glanced over her shoulder – the woman jumped as if shocked and hurried away without a word.

_Hmph…_

A gentle finger ran along the underside of her chin and she forgot her grudge instantly with a purr. _Mmm… Pet me._

"Such a demanding little thing, aren't you, Seras?"

_Well of course she was, someone as awesome as she was needed constant attention from the lowly mortals and otherwise that were graced with her magnificent presence. It was only right, after all._

His laughter held a mocking edge as he turned towards the door of the club, "Remind me to teach you some manners when we get back to the manor."


	4. Manners(4)

_**Fluffshots**_

_**Ketti:**_Gonna go bed now. Dunno when the next update'll be yet. Depends on when I get ideas. A good rule of thumb when I'm on a posting spree is to not mention the other stories. It makes me feel bad because my muse has ADD and likes to jump around. =|  
And when I feel bad I don't write. So, yeah. Shh. :P

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_**04: Manners**_

Integra's brow twitched as she stared down at the cat upon her desk, and the piece of raw oozing meat staining her papers red. "What…"

She couldn't even finish her question, so outraged was she by Alucard's gall. He wasn't even there to explain himself! She had gone to the library to fetch a new book and had returned to find her office invaded by a vampirically inclined feline and her … dinner.

"Not." She grabbed the newspaper on the side table and began to roll it with harsh, jerky motions.

"On." Looming over the cat and her meal, the light from the moon glinted on her glasses and she scowled.

"My." The paper was raised threateningly, cocked at an angle, ready to strike the unsuspecting ball of fluff.

"Desk!" Swatting the paper down, a sick smirk stole across her lips as she swept the ruined papers, the gooey mass of raw meat, and the kitten from the hardwood surface with a satisfying _SMACK!_

Seras landed with a yowl and the Hellsing Heiress reached for the lighter on her desk with a snap, the sharp tang of cigar smoke filling the air as she settled herself into her chair, counting down in her head; _three…two…one…_

"Animal cruelty, my master? Tsk tsk." Alucard's voice floated into the room mockingly as he rose from the floor, Seras perched on his hat and looking down at her balefully before turning her mismatched gaze to the floor where her food lay ruined. The kitten gave a mournful mew and folded her ears back in a sulk.

"Clean up this mess, Servant, and don't do it again. I do not approve of your using my office in your perverse games with Agent Victoria." Sir Integra snapped, fingers clenching into white knuckled fists to fight back the urge to shoot him in the face. She would refrain for now only because the little kitten was not invulnerable like her sire.

Alucard's laughter rang out rich and heartily through the quite large and intimidating office, and Sir Integra's scowl only deepened. With a flick of his wrist, his shadows swarmed from his feet to devour the soiled meat and absorb the blood from the newly pristine papers. With a flourish of a bow, he vanished, taking his fledgling with him.

"Now that we've covered table manners, Police Girl, it's time to discipline your people skills." He crooned in her ear as he lifted her from his hat to his shoulder, she perched there adeptly like a blonde parrot, and gazed at him with wide, innocent eyes. He smirked.

The pair of them strolled down the hall, and as they passed, one of the newer soldiers emerged at the other end, coming their way. He stiffened and his hand fell convulsively to the butt of his gun, but kept himself from drawing it even as the cat's unnerving gaze focused on him. The dual tone stare seemed to bore into his very soul and he swallowed nervously as he forced himself to keep walking. The cat never blinked, and turned her head to keep her unnatural gaze locked on him. He felt sick. Edging past the master vampire, who alone made him want to wet his pants when he saw those teeth, he couldn't help but glance over his shoulder every other step to find the cat's head turned all the way around like an owl, _still fucking watching him._ He broke out into a cold sweat and pulled the gun from his hip, holding it to his chest with his finger on the trigger as his steps hurried faster the opposite direction. When he looked again the cat's eyes had narrowed and it seemed to be baring its teeth, _ogodogodogod…_

The intimidating figure of Alucard turned the corner and the demon feline's line of sight was lost with the poor soldier just as he collapsed, foaming at the mouth in terror. (The poor man was later fired as an act of mercy with a generous pension.)

"Well that went splendidly." Alucard laughed and laughed as he strolled down the next hall towards the concealed entrance to the sub levels his little fledgling purred smugly as she bumped her forehead into his jaw. "Now, as amusing as it might be to try and litter train you, I haven't the time. It's growing late, or should I say early? This is the last lesson in manners tonight, Police Girl, and if you disobey me you're getting a bath." He threatened quite pleasantly.

She shuddered in horror at the thought. She could bathe herself, thank you very much! That's what the roughness of her tongue was _for_, to help clean her fur. Huffing indignantly, she climbed her way up to his hat, kitty-smirking as the brim was pushed down towards his eyes.

Knowing it was a lost cause to make the girl sleep in her own room, he made his way to his throne where a plush looking cat bed sat at its feet. With deft easy motions, he scruffed the ball of fur and dropped her onto the velvet lined pillow. "Sit. Stay." He mocked, dropping his hat on top of her as he kicked the lid off his coffin and draped his coat over the back of his chair. Draining the prepared glass of bloodwine with a sigh of appreciation, the great and terrible No Life King folded himself into his coffin and closed the lid on himself.

Seras sat on the bed and waited, tail curled around her paws, the tip flickering with agitation as she counted down.

_Pff, bath, he wouldn't dare._

She didn't buy his threat in the least, and as her connection to him dimmed with sleep, the furry little she-demon purred to herself smugly, phasing through the wooden barrier with ease, and curled right back up on his chest where he'd found her early this evening.


	5. Everybody Wants To Be A Cat(5)

_**Fluffshots**_

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_**05: Everybody Wants To Be A Cat**_

_Rustle._

_Rustle._

_CrrrRK!_

The twig snapped under her little paw and she cursed mentally as she lunged and landed on top of the writhing green mass. Sharp little fangs gleamed in the moonlight as she struck and imbedded them into the back of the snake's neck just behind the head.

Purring in satisfaction, she began to trot back to the manor, temporarily paralyzed snake trailing out behind her like a wedding train. She barely managed to walk around it, but her head raised with smug feline pride as she carried her present up the front steps. The door was closed and her nose crinkled with distaste, but she was a very adept kittenpire and it was a simple matter to phrase through the wood and bring her trophy with her.

Her ears pricked forward in hyper alertness as she leaped up each individual step leading towards Sir Integra's study, and upon hearing a maid approach, she melted into the space between the floor, and slinked through underneath the hallway. She had learned the last time she meant to bring her Master's master a gift that the staff – especially the maids – would shriek about it and take the prize from her before she could deliver it. Her eyes glowed in the pitch black of the space between, and she spotted an air duct to her left. Her whiskers twitched with amusement and she began to count in her head to time her arrival in the correct room.

_Ten… nine… eight…_

The snake squirmed a bit and she tasted blood on her tongue, and the blue of her left iris darkened to red. She growled a warning to the serpent to still itself lest she devour it without mercy. Her prey hissed rebelliously, but the kitten held herself back from tightening her hold on it further and feasting on the cold blood in its ungrateful veins.

_Seven…six…five…_

Her thoughts began to drift to her Master, and a shiver rippled through her lithe frame, blonde fur standing on end and puffing her up to twice her actual size. A low purr rumbled in her throat once more and her claws flexed in the wooden support beam she crossed, digging into the once living tree and leaving surprisingly deep furrows in their wake.

_Four…three…two…_

Ah, her Master. After she delivered her gift to his master, she would go down to the sub basement and crawl on his lap and get her due; petting.

_One._

Leaping up the scant distance to the room above and gliding through the tiled floor, the little Draculina looked up to find the desk empty. Well! Huffing, she flung the once-more-struggling snake to the floor with a growl and she leaped up to the bookshelf to her right, pulling down a heavy tome with unnatural ease. She carried it (how exactly does a cat carry a book?) towards the sullen form of the serpent and dropped it in place with a heavy _thunk_. She repeated this three more times, caging the creature in, and before she left she stood above it, locking her maroon gaze with the cold yellow of its own. She hissed in warning once more, receiving an almost growl in return, and she cuffed the beast with a quick snap of her paw. Satisfied, she leaped to the floor and vanished just as the study doors opened.

Seras sighed and purred in contest as she rolled onto her back, exposing her soft and utterly pettable tummy to the gloved fingers of her Master. His laughter rumbled in her very bones as he obliged and scratched the itch just to the left a little… Mmmm.

The door was thrown open rather abruptly, and an enraged Sir Integra stormed into the vampire's chambers with a snarl curling her lip, "How do you explain this, Servant?" She hissed, brandishing the garden snake by her hold on it behind its head.

"Its a simple Garden snake, Master."

"Don't give me your cheek! _Why _was it in my office?" She demanded, throwing the snake at her pet vampire and his fledgling turned kitten.

Said kitten's ears furled flat to her head and she turned her head away in a sulk, her feline pride insulted by the spurning of her gift.

Alucard laughed, the sound rumbling low in his throat, "Why, my Master, have you never had a cat before?" He teased, agile fingers crooking around the pouting fledgling's ear and scratching the base of it. "It was a gift." He cooed, a manic lift to his maddening smile.

"Ugh! Vampires." Integra spat in disgust, bringing a cigar from her pocket and practically shoving it between her lips. As she reached for her lighter, the No Life King held out his hand, a flame dancing at the tip of his index finger. The Hellsing Heiress' brows rose, but she grabbed hold of the red clad menace's wrist nonetheless and brought the impromptu light to the tip of her cigar, exhaling a cloud of smoke moments later. Her tense shoulders relaxed and she glanced down at the motionless snake with thinly veiled amusement.

"It's been a month now, Alucard. How does it feel to be Master of Kittens?" She asked, smirking at him, "Not a very intimidating title, you must agree. When will she return to normal?"

Seras blinked and looked up at the statuesque blonde curiously, head canting to the side. _Normal? _Whatever could she mean? She'd always been a cat, this _was_ normal.

The caressing fingers halted, and she yowled quietly in protest. Wrapping her paws around her Master's wrist she tugged at his sleeve with sharp teeth, voicing a half growl to demand the return of his attentions.

"I'm afraid, my Master, that she will not be regaining human form any time soon." The two vampires' gazes locked, as her Master was not wearing his usual glasses, and she saw something strange in his eyes that made her pause and voice a low questioning murr. "Not on her own, in any case."

"Oh?" Integra questioned, a hard edge to her voice, "and why is that?"

"Because, my master, she has forgotten." His shoulders rolled in a shrug, and he stroked from her nose to her forehead, tracing the markings there absently. "Master of Kittens indeed."

_Well, duh_, Seras scoffed, even as she began to purr, _everybody wants to be a cat. We're awesome._

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**_Ketti:_ **Trollolol. As you'll notice in the chapter titles from the selection menu, these first five now have little parenthesied numbers to connect them. Here ends Kitten!Seras, for now, anyways. You can thank Senile-felineS for this idea. XD *runs away, and hides under a box for protection*


	6. I Miss Chocolate

_**Fluffy Crackshots**_

_**Ketti:**_ SHORTCHAPTERISSHORT.  
So, yeah. It's an update at least? Something. Lithi's promised to force me to write more. Yay! Also? Seras was a cat BECAUSE I SAID SO. Nyeh. :P Vampire kitten is adorable, yo. Aaaand... yeah, this didn't go exactly as planned, but I still think it kinda counts. AMIRITE? Maybe. IT'SALIE.

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_**06: I Miss Chocolate**_

Seras Victoria sat gloomily in the kitchen, watching Walter cook and trying to enjoy the smells. Her nose wrinkled and she held her breath – she'd found out a while back in a fit of panic that she could hold her breath indefinitely – to just pretend she liked the smell of cooking meat like she did when she was still human.

"Can I help make something?" She asked hopefully after another five minutes of just watching him work – she wondered if he felt bothered by it? – and sitting at the table out of the way.

Walter gave her a somewhat strange, almost knowing, look over his shoulder at her before nodding curtly, "Of course, Miss Victoria, if that is your desire. You may assist me in making tonight's dessert; a chocolate cake."

Seras sighed wistfully, "I miss chocolate."

Walter pretended he didn't hear her not-very-muffled comment as he took one last look at the pot he was tending before making his way over to the counter where the baking items were set aside. He moved them to the table within the little Draculina's reach and set out three eggs, a measuring cup, measuring spoons, a whisk, and a set of hand beaters, knowing she could out power an electric beater in any case, and explained the recipe. The chocolate he had to fish out of the fridge and toss into the microwave to thaw it a bit before placing the perfectly measured dark brown goo to the side of the mixing bowl. "All right, Miss Victoria?" He asked, and she nodded eagerly, a too wide smile on her face. A laugh rumbled lowly in his throat as he watched her painstakingly measure out the ingredients, and he turned back to dinner's preparations.

"Patty cake, patty cake, baker's man." Seras began to hum to herself as she stirred the flour together with the egg, "Bake me a cake as fast as you can…" She giggled.

A few minutes later found the Draculina pouring the cake batter into the pan and scraping the sides of the bowl with a wooden spatula. Said spatula was currently in her hands, _mocking_ her with the delicious residue of chocolate. Her small pink tongue darted out of her mouth and licked at her lips longingly.

"What are you doing, Police Girl?" A deep voice purred into her ear and she jumped a good three feet in the air, fumbling with the large spatula like spoon to not drop it, before she found her balance and looked up, and up, and up into the leering face of her Master looming behind her.

"Nothing." She mumbled, darting her gaze away from his eerie grin, "Helping Walter make dessert." She piped up a moment later, a too wide grin on her face, the corners strained and forced.

"And..?" He asked leadingly, brows raising.

Seras huffed, looking away from him and back to the spoon, "I miss chocolate." She whined piteously, shoulders drooping. "It's all your fault." She grumbled under her breath.

"I heard that." He rumbled, pulling her head back painfully by his grip on her hair. She yelped and flailed, nearly smacking him in the face with the spoon.

Walter scooped the cake pan up, tucked it into the oven, then raised his brows at Alucard before coughing and turning back to the stove, leaving the vampires to their… thing.

"Give me that." Alucard growled, snatching the spoon and staring at it for a moment before smirking and dragging Seras off the stool and with him to the fridge where he used one of his shadows to open the door and retrieve one of the sealed buckets of O Negative. "You miss chocolate." He mocked as he set the blood on the counter and pried it open, "Well, Police Girl, you're a vampire now, and vampires-" "I know!" Seras snapped, interrupting him, "vampires drink blood."

He gave her an arch look, then laughed as he dunked the spoon into the blood, swirling it around before letting go of his childe's hair only to grab her by the face and jaw. His laughter thickened and darkened into something cruel as she gave a muffled squeak and began to squirm violently. "Have you ever tried blood and chocolate, Police Girl?" He purred, pinching his fingers between her teeth until her jaw popped open from the strain and he crammed the entire spatula into her mouth. She tried to shriek in protest, but began to choke as the chilled mess of her force feeding dripped down her throat. She swallowed convulsively, and shivered.

Alucard's sick grin softened at the edges for a fraction of a second before widening to show off every pointed tooth in his undead head, "You see?" He laughed, patting her head approvingly as she stopped writhing and licked the spoon clean.

Walter cleared his throat meaningfully behind them and Seras jumped, before realizing what she was doing and flinging the now relatively clean spoon into the sink and fleeing the kitchen, her cheeks flaming brilliantly.


	7. Hellsing's Island Adventure

_**Fluffy Crackshots**_

_**Ketti:**_Lulzgasm. No, this was just amusing. Just something to write in between other stuff that should be more serious. _**As you may notice, the original chapter 7 is gone. I accidentally replaced it with the wrong one, and then closed my word doc before getting it all back up. Unless someone knows a magical way to retrieve it, that one is gone for good, sorry.**_

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_**07: Island Domination**_

A dramatic fog rolled into the tropical island as a somewhat small (it'salie) yacht pulled up to the main dock. The inhabitants shot wary looks at each other as they observed the completely unnatural wall of grey mist that came out of no where. The small and bubbly blonde that leaped onto the dock and pulled the heavy boat up the last few feet _all by herself_, with the tope, made the more suspicious crowd run for cover. And thus began the Hellsing gang's island adventure! Wheee! … Or something.

Said bubbly blonde was, of course, Seras Victoria (sir), who was quite enjoying not being on the boat any longer. Truth be told she'd spent at least half the journey trying not to be sick and cuddled into her Master's lap. (The other half was spent in his coffin, cuddle raping him in his sleep.) Following grudgingly after the little Draculina was a white clad ravenette with red eyes and a too wide shark grin plastered on her porcelain face. "Seras," the teen commanded, and the fledgling obeyed, flinging herself at the smaller vampire and cuddling up to the adorable sight of her Master in what she privately called his 'Girlycard' form. The smaller (younger) girl chuckled and patted the blonde's head rather condescendingly before glancing over her shoulder up at the two humans getting ready to disembark. A look was exchanged between Girlycard and Teggie, and the austere blonde nodded faintly. Ally smirked and pulled a white umbrella from seemingly thin air, unfolding it at the same time the fog bank dispersed to allow the tropical sunlight to filter into the small cove. The two vampires set off across the beach, because Seras had been _**begging**_him to take her when they arrived.

"Oh, oh, look over there, Master!" Seras chirped, pointing to a tide pool, an eager look on her face, "Can we go see?" She looked (down) at her Sire with pleading eyes, and the vampire sighed indulgently shaking (his) her head before leading them under the protection of the parasol towards the desired water hole. The blonde ooh'd and aah', and knelt down to skim her fingers just above the water's surface, watching the tiny critters with unabashed fascination. Ally grew bored within a minute or so, and scanned the beach for something appropriately slimy and disgusting to fling at Seras. Spotting a beached jellyfish, a fiendish grin lit the ravenette's cherubic face and a tendril of shadow snaked through the sand towards the desire object of childe torment. Slowly the jellyfish began to 'crawl' its way towards them, but Seras was too absorbed in the hermit crab scuttling about to notice. Well, she was, that is, until the slimy thing fling itself at her and landed on her lap. She shrieked and jerked to her feet in time to the roaring laughter of her Master at her distress, "Ew, ew, ew!"

For a moment Seras did the 'oh gross' dance out of the shade of the parasol, and was fine, but the heat of the sun began to make her sweat and her skin flushed an unhealthy shade of red. Cringing, she dove back under the circle of protection and fanned herself. Ugh, now she felt all hot and sweaty.

A cool arm wrapped around her waist and yanked her close to the petite form of her Master and she sighed gratefully as the too hot feeling diminished. "Mmm, you're so cool." She purred, rubbing her cheek along the smooth plane of her Master's face. A breathy chuckle met her ears as she readjusted herself to drape more comfortably across Ally's back, practically spooning her with arms locked around her shoulders. "The beach is kinda boring, Master," she cooed into the elder vampire's ear, "Let's go explore the woods."

"My, grandmother, what big teeth you have." Girlycard mocked but walked forward nonetheless, practically carrying (his) her little childe.

Ally could feel Seras' smile against her neck and smirked in response, red eyes glowing beneath the fringe of her perfectly cut bangs. Once they entered the tropical woods and the beastly sunlight was filtered by the thick canopy of leaves, Seras became more active and studied her surroundings gleefully. Just then, the ground trembled beneath their feet and a rumble rent the air, making Seras jump and look around wildly.

Well, what did you expect going to a tropical island with an active volcano?

"Why did Sir want to come here, again?" Seras muttered, clutching tighter to the smaller girl in what would have been a choke hold were Girlycard mortal. "The inhabitants asked for her, something about business." She shrugged in response and began walking towards the sound, dragging her reluctant fledgling along for the ride.

Seras' hesitation died as soon as she saw the remains of the old lava flow, and she was fascinated by the dark rock. There were, understandably, no trees growing there, so she refrained from jumping ahead like an over eager child, and resorted to almost picking her sire up and practically carrying the vampire over to look at the frozen river. Ally toed the hardened lava curiously and kicked off a chunk. Seras squeaked and picked it up with wide eyes.

Again the earth shook beneath their feet, nearly sending the blonde sprawling, but she caught herself just in time and looked up and to the west to see the beginnings of smoke trickle from the top of the mountain.

"Police Girl," Ally crooned sweetly, "do you want to see the volcano?" Her voice was lilting, and Seras felt herself be drawn into the eager chiming, and smiled up at her Master as she stood and linked arms with her companion, "Of course, Master!"

Ally's lips twitched triumphantly and she laughed softly as she clutched the parasol tighter and turned to walk along the obsidian road. (We're off to see the wizard…)

They made quite the odd sight; the bubbly blonde dressed in a blue tank top and gold shorts (that came to about mid thigh) wearing ridiculously adorable gold flip flops, and the long haired ravenette dressed up in a white pantsuit with a cloak, a pinafore hat, and gloves, her shoes sensible flat heeled black pumps. After a while, the blonde dropped back half a step to play with the other's hair, braiding it carefully and curling it in intricate loops, only to undo it all on a whim and laugh.

The oddly matched pair met no one on their walk, but that was fine with them (well, no, not really, but Seras liked spending time with her Master anyways) as they climbed higher and higher up the slopes of the occasionally grumbling volcano. Seras admired the view with undisguised glee. "It's so pretty, Master." She murmured, draping herself over her sire's shoulders and pressing her cheek flush with the other's to stare out at the ocean and the trees.

Girlycard hummed in response and stepped nimbly over a rock, grateful that (his) her oftimes clumsy childe did **not** stumble, showing that the blonde was improving.

There was a bit of a commotion near the top of raised voices, and the ravenette's brows rose into her hairline curiously. Well now…

When they arrived, said vampire just stared blankly for a moment before rolling her eyes, "Why do I even bother, sometimes? Really now."

The sight they were met with was a missing Walter and Sir Integra chained to a chair, shouting obscenities at the natives as they hauled her up to the edge. Well, it was said the way to stp the volcano from erupting was to sacrifice a virgin, and who better than a world renown one?

Girlycard couldn't help but laugh even as she slapped her palm to her face to try and pretend the ridiculousness wasn't really happening.

Sadly, it was.

"Alucard!" Integra hissed, "stop laughing and get me out of these chains you useless vampire!"

"As you wish, my Master." The ravenette replied in a too sweet tone, handing the stunned Seras the parasol as she cart wheeled dramatically into the fray and single handedly picked up the palanquin, and leaped dramatically off the edge of the mountain.

The natives stared in shock, then ran away screaming.

Seras sweatdropped.

"Uhm… 'kaay…"

Well, there was no sign of her Master, or her Master's Master, so she shrugged and decided to head back to the ship. Their vacation was cancelled apparently.

Walter's whereabouts were discovered as 'blow darted asleep and thrown onto the deck', where Alucard callously left him. When Seras arrived, they undocked and sailed off.

The volcano erupted less than nn hour later.

The End.


	8. Liar Liar

_**Fluffshots**_

_**Ketti:**_Lulz! I have nothing to really say, other than... Bahahahaha. XD This was so fun to write.

_**As you may notice, the original chapter 7 is gone. I accidentally replaced it with the wrong one, and then closed my word doc before getting it all back up. Unless someone knows a magical way to retrieve it, that one is gone for good, sorry.**_

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_**08: Liar, Liar**_

"Police Girl," Her Master's voice broke her thoughts, "are you listening to me?"

"Of course, Sir." She answered automatically, but, really, she hadn't heard a word he said. Maybe he hadn't noticed?

"Police Girl..."

She looked up at him with such wide innocent blue eyes, lips parted as if caught between words, "Yes Master?"

"What did I tell you about lying to me?" He purred, sounding so calm and thoughtful that she was put instantly on edge, hackles raising. "Master, I'm no-I did-..." She sputtered, looking helpless.

He chuckled, the dark sound vibrating through her very bones as he reached out towards her, she 'eep'd and leaned back, eyes darting from side to side as if looking for an escape route. Before she could make a move otherwise his hand clamped onto her shoulder, holding her in place, "How does that human saying go? Ah, yes… Liar, liar, pants on fire, Police Girl."

His fingers flexed, digging into her skin slightly, and she felt a spark of heat at the back of her thigh. She squealed and swatted her hand at it, looking frantically over her shoulder to see a small black flame crackling merrily on her skirt. It didn't hurt, and it didn't get any bigger, but, still, her skirt was on _fire_!

"Master!" She wailed, trying to smack it away, and only succeeding in making her skin smart. He laughed at her cruelly and stepped back, looking immensely pleased with himself, "It's not funny!"

She felt another flare of heat and shrieked, jumping forward and slapping at her skirt again, "What was that for?!"

"Because it **is** funny, Police Girl," He cooed smugly before melting into the wall and leaving the flustered blonde alone in the hallway with the bottom hem of her uniform skirt glowing with unnatural flame.

She heard footsteps approaching behind her and squeaked, turning to plant her back to the wall as Pip Bernadotte approached with two of his men, chatting it up with them casually before he spotted the little Draculina. He paused, and a mischievous grin lit his face, "Were you waiting around to see me, Mignonette?" He teased, single green eye gleaming.

Seras spluttered and went red in the face, "Er, uh, no. I was just talking with Master…" She trailed off for a moment, and her lips pouted adorably, "Master is _mean_."

She half expected her skirt to get gobbled up with flame for that comment.

"Ah… Mignonette… Is everything alright?" Pip asked, blinking at her, and Seras' flush deepened, "I'm fine!"

The flare of heat made her jump, and the flame crept to the front hem of her skirt, and the three members of the Wild Geese gaped in horror. Pip ran over and tried to beat it out with his hat to no avail and Seras squealed with embarrassment. "Ma cher! Your skirt!"

Seras moaned and hung her head, "I know, I know, it's all Master's fault."

"Have you tried taking it off?" Pip asked, tugging on the other side of her skirt and the little blonde shrieked, jumping back from him with her face so red it rivaled even the ripest tomato. "PIP!" She squealed.

A growl rumbled through the hallway, and the hair on the back of Pip's neck prickled, but Seras seemed oblivious to it. Well, let it not be said that Pip could not take a hint. He backed up, hands in the air, "It was just a thought! Perhaps you should try it in your room?"

Seras eyed him askance, as if expecting him to offer her his 'escort' services, but he simply smiled at her charmingly and she grinned back herself. "Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try. Bloody Master and his games…" With that, the fledgling turned and stalked off down the hallway, and the Frenchman could not help but admire the sway of her hips and the way the golden fabric clung to her ass.

A few minutes later found the little Draculina standing in her room, and staring at the mirror with a sour look on her face, "This is _stupid_," she hissed, glaring at the fire that had transferred from the amazingly unmarked skirt on the floor to the one on her hips, "what is Master _thinking_?"

Seras Victoria crossed her arms over her chest in a huff and turned her back on the mirror, only to come face to face with the ice bucket and the packet of blood within. Frustrated, she slapped the bucket off her table and practically screamed at the empty room, "I'm _not __**hungry!**_"

The surge of fire nearly overtook her entire leg and she wailed in dismay, whimpering and hiding her face in her hands. Could this possibly get any _worse_?

The Fates, being terribly fickle, chose that moment for Walter to knock politely on the door, "Miss Victoria, are you quite alright? You sounded rather trou-…" Walter broke off mid word and she knew, she just _knew_ that he was staring.

"Miss Victoria..." Walter spoke up, giving her a rather bewildered look, "Are you aware..." he hesitated, "that your skirt is on fire?"

Seras moaned and dropped into the empty chair by her table, dropping her head into her arms to cover her flaming cheeks, "It's Master's idea of a joke. Nothing I do will put it out."

"I see…" She could hear his quiet footsteps approaching and out of the corner of her eye she saw his white shirt and vest, "Do you know what prompted this … idea of a joke?" He asked, sounding his eternally polite self as he observed that the fire did not spread beyond her hip, or onto the chair, and did not seem to give off much heat at all.

Seras shook her head, and then squealed as the gentle warmth on her leg sparked and the black flames gobbled up the beginnings of her other leg. "Master said something about 'liar, liar, pants on fire' because I got lost in thought and wasn't listening…" She grumbled grudgingly, and was amazed to see and sense the retreat of the aggressive not-fire.

"Mm," Walter hummed, noticing as well, "Perhaps it will go away on its own? Provided, of course, Miss Victoria, that you tell no more little white lies." His lips quirked upwards in a kindly smile, but when she turned her head to look at him she could see the sparkle of wicked amusement in his almost-purple eyes and she stuck her tongue out at him childishly.

"I'll try that, Walter, thanks."

She heard a muted chuckle in her head, and clenched her jaw, half expecting another expansion of the vampire flame, but nothing happened. Walter nodded, pretending to ignore the spilled ice and blood pack for now, and retreated. He'd leave the poor dear to herself for the night.

"Masterrr…" She moaned, bouncing her head off her crossed arms, "you're **mean**."


	9. Claustrophobia

_**Fluffy Crackshots**_

_**Ketti:**_Oh, look, another chapter. Aren't I being nice? Even if it's not specifically a 'story'update, it's still something to read. XP

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**_09: Claustrophobia_**

Seras glared murderously at the cramped little… little… **box** laying on the floor of her room. Her lips pursed and her brow furrowed in a v as she sat on her comfortable four poster (coffin) bed, already dressed for the day's mission. Walter stood by the table, near her untouched bucket of ice and blood, and gazed calmly back at her as she curled her lip in distaste and stood, intending to storm off and escape the menacing box.

"Police Girl." Her Master called from the other side of the room, voice deep and warning. She froze.

"No." She snapped, and in a surge of her unsteady powers, she melted into the floor, fleeing the scene like a coward.

Pip Bernadotte found her not three minutes later in the lowest sub basement, hiding in one of the shooting rooms with a frustrated scowl on her pretty face and a thoroughly shredded target from her empty pistol. He blinked, canting his head to the side while balancing his gun casually on his shoulder – all the cool kids were doing it, after all – as he sized up the Draculina. "Something wrong Mignonette?"

"No," Seras hissed, tossing the gun aside and grabbing a fresh one as she took two steps to the right to align herself with a new target, "Of course not. What could possibly be _wrong_ Mr. Bernadotte?"

He fell silent and simply stared at her with a clearly disbelieving look on his tanned face. The room echoed with the retort of her gun as she blasted the paper from groin to skull in a straight line. "Ma cher…" He began when her clip was empty, "would this, perhaps, have something to do with the location of the next mission?"

Seras tensed, hands tightening into fists and the poor gun squealed piteously as the metal was wrenched out of shape, molded into the fit of her palm by sheer brute force. The blonde cursed and threw the gun at the floor, nearly breaking it in two, turning away from the Frenchman with stiff, jerky, motions to retrieve another weapon to vent her frustrations.

"I'll take that as a yes…" He muttered, and looked over her carefully. He hesitated to speak again, because she was armed and loaded, "You seemed alright the last time we flew?" He questioned, edging back towards the door when she turned furious crimson eyes on him. He swallowed dryly, and took a larger step in retreat at the fearsome look on her face.

"Oh, yes, bloody perfect! Being crammed in a small box for _hours_, and…" She choked up, face pinching with distress.

"You're an idiot." Her Master grumbled as he melted into the room from the ceiling, and Seras shrieked in outrage, emptying her clip into his _smug fucking face_! Her breathing was heavy and labored, breasts heaving with each (unnecessary) gasp for air, and then she smiled a bit, "No wonder Sir does that, it's very therapeutic."

Her Master laughed as his head slowly reformed from the bloody mist it was reduced to in her ire, "Indeed. Does that mean you'll stop being difficult?"

She snarled at him and threw the empty pistol at his face, which he caught easily. And her powers flared up around her in a clear sign of her intended escape. He gave her a droll look over his glasses, and the girl hissed as she realized she couldn't. Pip was nearly to the door, aaaalmost there…

"I'll take that as a no. Pity."

Alucard seemed to vanish, and reappeared moments later on top of a screaming and thrashing Seras Victoria, who was pinned to the floor face first, her Master sitting on her back calmly as can be. "Get off of me!" She wailed, bucking her hips in an attempt to throw him off. He laughed.

"Vampires sleep in coffins, Police Girl. Flying over the ocean is very draining for a fledgling as young as yourself, you'd feel even worse outside of it."

"But I don't want to go!" She wailed, and there was a high note of fear mixed in her voice.

"You and I both know that's a lie." Alucard countered, going so far as to lean back on his hands and cross his ankles over her head, looking obscenely comfortable using the girl as an impromptu couch.

To his great discomfort, Pip saw the beginnings of blood tears in the blonde's eyes and he started forward, lips parted as if to say something when the elder vampire shot him a rather poisonous look and he froze in his tracks, remaining eye wide and uncertain. The girl seemed to have forgotten all about him as she slumped pitifully against the floor, looking miserable.

"But I don't like tight spaces." She whimpered, burying her head in her now crossed arms.

"What about your little four poster coffin, Police Girl?" Her Master challenged with a casual tone, looking rather pleased with her admission. After all, admitting you have a problem is the first step to kicking it in the face and getting over it.

"I can move around, though." Seras mumbled, barely audible between the floor and her arms muffling the words.

"A bigger coffin would be too conspicuous." He answered, smugness oozing off of him in waves. Pip snorted a bit, and earned himself another look. He quailed backwards and shuffled closer to the door, clutching his gun tightly to his chest.

"Master…" Seras moaned, voice pleading, "I don't want to go."

"Stop lying to yourself, Police Girl, it's very unbecoming."

She whimpered, and tried to curl in on herself, a rather hard feat to accomplish when one has over six feet of tall, dark, (evil) and handsome vampire using their back like a lounge.

He made a great show of rolling his eyes as he got to his feet and yanked the girl up by her shoulder, red eyes intent on her face. Seras blinked, shook her head a little, blinked again, and then her features went slack as her blue eyes were caught in his red. She felt rather light headed, and she swayed on her feet, the only thing keeping her upright his hold upon her.

**_'Police Girl,'_** he whispered into her mind, tones light and airy with just a faint hint of steel behind them, **_'listen very carefully to what I have to say.'_**

She nodded dumbly, a faint ring of red spreading from the outside of her iris inward the longer she stared into his beguiling ginger gaze.

**_'You are going to sleep, you are going to sleep through the entire journey, you are going to sleep and dream of pleasant things while we cross the ocean, and when I wake you from your slumber on dry land, _****_you will drink the blood_****_.'_**

Seras flinched as if struck, and her eyes cleared for a moment as she gaped at him. He snarled and slid a hand under her chin, forcing her gaze back to match his as he bore down harder on her mentally. She whimpered, and her fingers curled into fists before she went limp in his hold, unconscious.

Pip jumped, "What did you do to her, you monster?!" He accused harshly, very much wanting to snatch the poor girl out of the wicked male's clutches and take her to safety. Another part of his mind whispered how foolish that would be, that the girl was also a monster, but he ignored it. Seras was his friend, if not more, but he would defend her to the death if need be!

Alucard's lip curled back in a show of fang as he cradled the vulnerable form of his Childe close to his chest. "I put her to sleep. She won't wake up until we reach the Americas. The Police Girl doesn't like to travel in a coffin." He sounded gruff, almost – but Pip would never believe it – defensive of his actions as darkness swirled at his feet and he disappeared.

Seras moaned in distress as the comforting warmth of her Sire left her, but was soothed with a mental caress, even as she sensed the lid to the coffin closing and found herself in suffocating darkness. She was detached from it all, clinging to the feel of her Master in the back of her mind, and she sighed blissfully as he tucked her under his mental wing and she lay her head against his not-really-there chest, relaxing trustingly in his not-really-there hold.

_Well,_ she thought sleepily, _maybe it wouldn't be so bad to fly in a plane again after all._


	10. Caffeine Through Osmosis

_**Fluffy Crackshots**_

_**Ketti:**_Hm... since I essentially replaced chapter nine by uploading a new one, maybe that's why it didn't send me an alert? I hope FF isn't messing up e-mail alerts again. =|

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**_10: Caffeine High Through Osmosis?_**

Seras stared longingly at Integra's cup of tea, blue eyes watching the slightly-older blonde's every move. The Hellsing woman was managing to ignore the staring quite admirably as she worked and took sips from her cup every minute or so. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore, and she snapped at the Draculina invading her office, "Don't you have better things to do than try to absorb my tea second hand?"

Seras huffed and looked away, a sullen pout on her full lips, "Master's busy doing something, and Walter has housework."

The Heiress' brow twitched, "and what of the Wild Geese?"

Seras made a face, "They're complete perverts." She whined, looking pitiful, "it's complete and utter sexual harassment." She growled, blue eyes flashing crimson for a moment. Integra's brows raised, nearly arching into her hairline, and the fledgling fidgeted in her seat.

"Well, if you're going to take up space, the least you can do is be useful, Victoria." Integra sighed, waving a hand towards a stack of papers on the far corner of her desk.

"Those are field reports, read them and write out a summary of the details."

"Sir, yes Sir." Seras grinned, only lightly teasing as she busied herself with the papers.

The Master of Seras' Master still caught the sidelong looks at her tea cup, and certainly did not miss the envious little growl as Walter appeared to freshen the pot. They both pretended not to notice, and Seras sighed longingly.

"I'm sorry, Miss Victoria, but you cannot absorb caffeine through osmosis." Walter chuckled kindly as he watched the girl holding the full cup, but not daring to drink, knowing first hand what ingesting anything but blood would mean.

"It's nice to pretend, anyways." Seras replied with a shrug, now taking her turn at ignoring the knowing looks in the eyes of her mortal employers.

"Mm, will that be all, Sir Integra?" Walter inquired politely, and at her dismissal he quit the room with an affectionate ruffle of the diminutive blonde's already spiky locks. She huffed and fixed her precious mane back into place, but a smile lingered on her lips nonetheless as she sorted through the reports.

Without really thinking, Seras reached for the cup and brought it to her lips. "Seras." Integra spoke, and the poor fledgling jerked, nearly spilling the dark liquid all over her papers. She grinned sheepishly and moved the cup out of reach, "Habit, I guess." She mumbled, cheeks going red.

"You should drink the blood." Integra murmured back, icy blues locked on her own stack of papers. Seras made a face.

"I saw that." The woman chortled, and Seras eep'd.

"Finish your work, vampire, and get out of my office." Sir Hellsing admonished, and the fledgling gave a little finger salute, "Sir, yes Sir."


	11. Yoink

_**Fluffy Crackshots**_

_**Ketti:**_This sillyness is inspired by an adorable little snippet from Senile-felineS called Something Wicked. XD Short sillyshot is short.

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**_11: Yoink_**

Seras' head swayed from side to side, eyes closed as she lost herself to the music filtering through her little ear buds. After a moment she yawned, raising the one from her book to cover her mouth politely – though the main Hellsing library was empty – before she bent her head back down to study the words on the page. It was no good, the book was just so… dry.

Grimacing, the little Draculina set (ironically enough) Dracula aside on the side table and blew a puff of air at her bangs to move the strands from her face. She needed a haircut, but her hair kept growing back this same length, it was a shame she, well, died with that one strand that always tickled her nose. "Come to think of it, Master's hair changes all the time." She mumbled to herself, and pouted. She'd kill for longer hair!

**_'Would you now?'_** Her Master's voice purred into her head and she jumped, looking around suspiciously for any sign of glowing red eyes hidden in shadows.

**_'Why?_****' **She questioned suspiciously, **_'would I have to?'_**

**_'Would you believe me if I said yes?'_**

"Very funny, Master." Seras grumbled to herself, crossing her arms over her ample chest and leaning back more comfortably into the large wing backed chair. The soothing tones of her favorite song calmed her grouchiness and she hummed along quietly, eyes slipping closed as her head swayed in time with the beat hypnotically.

**_'Police Girl,'_** her Master interrupted a second time, and she growled, keeping her eyes shut tight, **_'what are you doing?'_**

**_'Listening to music.'_** She answered with a bland mental tone.

"I meant, what are you doing in **my** chair?" He purred into her ear, and she jumped, nearly head butting him in the face – he'd deserve it – as she realized she was no longer alone in the library.

"Your chair?" She sputtered, "there's at least a dozen other ones!" She waved a hand to demonstrate the multitude of comfortable chairs, but her Master smirked at her and tugged the wire of the ear bud to pull it free, "Yes, but this is **my** chair, Police Girl."

Squinting her eyes up at him suspiciously, she growled and settled more comfortably into the cushions defiantly, "I was here first."

He barked a laugh, and waggled a gloved finger in her face, "Technically, I was, and as your Master, you have to do as I say, fledgling."

Seras stuck her tongue out at him and eep'ed, flinching back as he made a playful swipe for it.

He arched an imperious brow at her childish antics, "Are you going to move?" She shook her head, "I could make you." The sheer pleasantness in his threat made her shiver, but she went so far as to tuck her bare feet up on the cushion rather than have them dangle across the arm of the chair.

"I did warn you." He spoke mildly before vanishing. Seras stiffened and looked about frantically. _Oh, this is going to…_ She shrieked in surprise as she felt gloved hands cup her behind before moving up to cradle her lower back and hook under her knees. She was summarily lifted up and resettled – stiff as a board from surprise – into a not very comfortable lap. Cold breath blew across her ear as he chuckled mockingly, probably reading her thoughts, and he turned her to lean more comfortably between himself and the chair. "Much better, isn't it, Police Girl?"


	12. Time Warp

_**Fluffy Crackshots**_

_**Ketti:**_Last update for today. I'm tired. Been up since 1am, ugh. Need to reset my sleep schedule to something less unholy. This one was inspired by JuJu in skype. XD It's all her fault.

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**_12: Time Warp_**

"Master," Seras yawned, rubbing at her eyes as she phased through the study door, "do you know where Integra went?" She was slightly concerned for the woman going out by herself. Well, she admitted privately, _the Hellsing woman could certainly defend herself from a simple mugger, even in her fifties._

"I believe she went to the waffle house." Alucard replied flippantly, lounging in the chair behind the desk with his feet propped up and head cradled by his hands.

"The waffle house?" Seras asked, staring at him with a bewildered expression on her face. "But she doesn't even _like_ waffles, Master."

He shot her a sly look over his glasses and chuckled quietly, nudging a manila envelope with his heel, "I believe she went there for a business, Police Girl. Or was it a meeting with her old flame?" He mused mockingly, "I always confuse the two, don't I?"

Seras sighed, rolling her eyes as she turned and phased right back out through the door, "I'm going to take a shower, then. It's too bloody early to be up." The sun was still about an hour from setting, but Seras had gotten into the habit of rising in the late afternoon so that Integra could have company for more of the day.

"Mmm," Seras moaned happily as she reveled in the hot water pouring over her chilled skin, "indoor plumbing is the work of the gods." She just stood there under the spray, soaking up the heat and melting inside with girly goo glee.

After another few minutes of just standing there – hey, the place was a mansion, and the water heater was huge, she was allowed to take excessively long showers if she wanted! – she finally reached for her favorite peach scented shampoo and began to hum. A silly grin twisted her lips as she lathered the suds into her short locks, "Do the time warp again!" She laughed, shaking her hips and humming even louder as she grabbed the matching body wash.

She felt a sudden chill, and stiffened in alarm just as a gloved hand tapped her on the shoulder and a looming presence oozed along her back, "Shut it, Police Girl. You're too shrill tonight."

The shock of him _entering her bloody shower_, wore off quickly in the flush of rage at his taunting words and she shrieked, left arm dissolving to shadow and slamming the elder vampire against the tiled wall. "Master!"

He laughed and licked his lips, moaning lewdly as he sized her up from behind, "Not a bad sight, Police Girl." He purred, and she flushed scarlet as she heard the faint echoes of Pip's voice laughing in her head.

"Get out." She hissed, trembling slightly with rage at his audacity.

"It's nothing I haven't seen before." He smirked, she could _hear_ it in his voice – she was far too embarrassed to turn and give him a free frontal! – and she hissed, powers flaring around him to try and shove him through the wall by force. Nothing happened.

"Master..!" She protested, a note of pleading in her voice.

"Try harder." He cooed, and a shiver crawled down her spine, but she obeyed, channeling her frustration and embarrassment into forcing a portal to open behind the fully clothed man in her shower. He laughed approvingly as she shoved one last time and he vanished, but she knew that he allowed her to do it, and somehow that knowledge stung a little.

Miffed, she wrapped her shadows around herself like a towel, and raised a tendril to fetch her conditioner, no longer relaxed or enjoying the shower very much. She finished quickly and phased directly into her closet on the other side of her bathroom wall to change into her usual uniform – she missed the gold color at times, but the significance of the red color was too important to not honor – to avoid any more peepery by the frustrating male.

While she was glad he was back – ecstatic, even – she wished… Grumbling, she swiped her bangs out of her face with a shadow and hopped out of the closet to sit on her bed and concentrate on channeling the black and red mass into a normal looking arm. She wasn't quite experienced enough – also known as not killed enough people – to be able to reform an entire chunk of her body perfectly the way her Master could.

An evil smirk curled the Draculina's lips as she recalled what her Master said Sir Integra was doing. "The waffle house, hm?" She laughed, and her form wavered before becoming shadow and mist, "Maybe I'll drop by and say hi… After all, it's quite improper not to have an escort."

Her maniacal laugher rivaled that of Alucard himself as she vanished from Hellsing manor to go torment her boss.


	13. Playing House

_**Fluffy Crackshots**_

_**Ketti:**_This is a very unofficial and very short sequel to Jubalii's story Pretend. It's a lot shorter than I thought it would be, but I hope it's still cute. XD

**_(*_*) ^(*_*)^ (*_*)_**

**_13: Playing House_**

Walter walked calmly into the ajar door of Alucard's chambers, ice bucket in hand with the vampire's usual three packets for his first meal of the night. The Butler couldn't help but to stop and stare a little, brows raising with curiosity at the sight before him; Miss Victoria was perched on the arm of her Master's chair, wearing his red coat for some unknown reason while the male himself lounged on his throne, hat and glasses in their customary place. Oh my, well, this was progress of a sorts. He had already left Miss Victoria's blood in her room, however, so there was not extra to share, he was curious how this would play out as he approached with his usual polite smile. "Good evening Alucard, and Miss Victoria, Sir Integra has informed me that there will be no mission tonight barring some emergency, so you may take the night to relax."

"Really?" Seras asked, the great big smile on her face widening, "I've been meaning to go buy some new books, that's great, Walter."

Her Master shot her a side long look, and his lips curled into a cheshire grin, "Not without your dinner, Police Girl."

She turned her head to face him, mouth gaping before she started to splutter, "Bu- I… bu-"

"If you like playing pretend so much," he cooed, and Walter's brows rose a fraction higher, "then shouldn't you act more like the person you're mimicking?"

Seras' cheeks flushed a brilliant crimson, rivaling the too large coat still draped over her petite frame, and she looked away, mumbling. The smugness oozed off Alucard in waves, "That's what I thought."

Walter found he could not look away from the scene unrolling before his eyes, as the Master vampire reached into the bucket and grabbed the first bag, raising it temptingly to his Childe's lips. Seras' face scrunched up, but after a moment's hesitation, and - what the Butler would not be surprised to learn – some mental pushing, she conceded and sunk her dainty little fangs into the plastic. He saw her cringe and chuckled quietly, it must not be very pleasant to taste the medical bag on one's tongue, and saw the flash of pride across Alucard's face for a split second as his reluctant fledgling drank the blood.

When the bag was empty, Miss Victoria hopped off the chair, tossed the coat onto her Master's lap, and fled.

"I see you're making progress." Walter smiled at the chained monster, and nodded politely before taking his leave.


End file.
